Untitled

Sometimes I wonder why I bother to buy clothes that I think will make me look nice, get a good looking haircut, lose weight when I know I'm fine, spend 15 minutes doing my hair, try different products to make my face look presentable, spend hours watching videos on Youtube on hair, makeup and skin and ended up getting depressed because all these girls are so beautiful?

You ask, why do I bother doing this? It's not about impressing people, really, no. All I ever wanted was to feel alright, comfortable while holding conversations and having fun with my friends. Do you know how it feels not even being able to hold a decent conversation with someone because you're frantically trying to figure out what are you going to say next and alongside panicking about how presentable you are and whether sitting or standing in this position makes oneself look fat. Trying to hold it in and turning it into a horrible joke when someone complements you, because what if someone thinks you're not worthy of that complement and is secretly laughing and puking inside???

Why do I even try when I know that even if I do look good, people won't like me? This feeling really gets up to me sometimes. I want to give up and hide away from everyone where looks don't matter and I don't have to give a shit about how fat and ugly I look.

... I give up.